How to Stop Yelling at Your Kids: 6 Things That Help

ByJennifer Novak

If you’re looking up how to stop yelling at your kids, you probably already know the yelling isn’t working. Maybe it’s how you were spoken to growing up, and you promised yourself you’d do it differently. Then someone spills, someone screams, and the old voice comes out of your mouth anyway. I know that moment all too well.

The short answer

To stop yelling at your kids, build a pause between the trigger and your response. Ask one question first: is this a safety or health issue? If not, breathe before you act. Handle and process your feelings first before handling the issue at hand. Then say the limit calmly, let their feelings be big, and fill your own cup when you can before it runs dry. The pause gets easier with practice.

Why do I yell at my kids when I don’t want to?

Most of us yell on autopilot. We’re tired, stretched thin, and reacting to our mood more than to what’s actually happening. Under stress, the patterns we grew up with are the first ones our brain reaches for.

It helps to know yelling doesn’t work, so you can stop trying to make it work. The American Academy of Pediatrics says yelling and words meant to shame “has been found to be ineffective and harmful.” A University of Pittsburgh study of 967 middle schoolers found that harsh yelling was linked to more behavior problems, even in warm, loving homes.

That’s not meant to pile on guilt. It’s the reason the pause is worth practicing.

How to stop yelling at your kids: 6 things that help

1. Ask: Is this a safety or health issue?

This is my first move. If someone is about to get hurt, I act right away. If it’s neither safety nor health, then nothing bad happens if I wait ten seconds. I can take a moment to breathe before I handle it. Most spills, messes, and squabbles fall into the “it can wait” category.

2. Breathe and drop your shoulders

Close your eyes if you can and take a couple of slow breaths. Notice where you’re tense. For me, it’s always my shoulders, arms, and neck. Let that spot go on purpose. Relaxing your body gives your mind room to think instead of jumping straight to the reaction.

3. Ground yourself, out loud

When it all feels like too much, I name five things I can see, four I can hear, three I can touch, two I can smell, and one feeling I have right now. Yes, I say it out loud. It works better for me than keeping it in my head, and my kids see what calming down, for me, looks like. Sometimes, I even growl; yes, it makes me feel better, and sometimes it’s the comedic relief the situation needs.

4. Have one line ready before you need it

In the hard moment, you won’t invent the perfect words. Decide them now. A few I lean on:

  • “Feelings are valid, but hurting others because of your feelings is not.”
  • “I can’t control others, but I control what I do.”
  • “Mistakes are how we learn. It’s okay to make a mistake.”

5. Remember whose storm it is

Crying is allowed in our house. My kids are allowed to feel their feelings, and I sit with them if they want me there. What keeps me from yelling is remembering that their storm isn’t mine to feel. I’m only there to be an anchor or a guide; I am there to give them hugs (if they want them), observe their feelings, and say them out loud for them so they feel seen and heard. I am there to keep them grounded until the storm passes for them.

6. Give yourself a time-out, and refill your cup

The American Academy of Pediatrics reminds parents that “you can give yourself a time out if you feel out of control.” Step into the hallway. Breathe. Come back when you can speak quietly.

Then work on the empty cup behind the yelling. A few minutes of writing at night, listing the good things from the day, or a funny video that makes you laugh out loud all count. Small and often beats big and rare.

What if I already yelled today?

Then what you have is an opportunity! Go to your child and say, “I am sorry that I yelled. It is not your fault that I yelled. You are responsible for you, and I am responsible for me. I am going to work on it.” You could even list out your plan to work on it. Side note, in case you are worried, apologizing to your child for yelling doesn’t absolve them if they messed up. You can apologize for your yelling while still holding them accountable too. ZERO TO THREE notes that children learn to manage strong feelings over months and years with a caregiver’s steady support. So do we. If your anger ever feels out of your control, talking with your doctor or a counselor is a strong, brave next step.

If the yelling usually starts when your toddler hits, read how to handle toddler hitting next.

FAQ: how to stop yelling at your kids

Is it too late to stop yelling at my child?

No. Kids keep learning from what they see, at every age. The day you start pausing is the day they start seeing a new way to handle hard feelings. You won’t be perfect, and you don’t need to be. What matters is that the calm responses start to outnumber the loud ones.

Am I damaging my child by yelling?

The American Academy of Pediatrics calls yelling and shaming words ineffective and harmful, and research links harsh yelling to more behavior problems. That’s a reason to change, not a reason for shame. Building a pause, saying limits calmly, and getting support when you need it all move your home in a better direction.

How do I stay calm when my kids won’t listen?

Ask whether it’s a safety or health issue. If not, breathe first and say one calm, short line you decided ahead of time. Get close and lower your voice instead of raising it. Ignored directions are frustrating, but they’re rarely emergencies, and you can handle them better ten seconds from now. Taking the time to explain your reasoning and then listening to your child’s thoughts can make all the difference.

Yelling is a habit, and habits can change, one paused breath at a time.

Every week I write about the hard moments, homeschooling the Charlotte Mason way, and slowing down a busy home. It’s free, and it lands in your inbox.

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